He Said

The shadows were leaping out around my table as I sat sipping Earl Grey,
From the Shadows a voice calls out to me,
A voice I know so well,
A voice that makes me weak,
A voice I crave the most,
May I have your number, he says,
I look up at the face to the voice,
A million emotions threaten to burst my heart,
A million replies I am thinking through,
A million affirmatives echo through my soul,
Yes you may, I say
I await a napkin, a paper, a note,
In my excitement the century I live in was lost,
Hand me your phone, he says
He swiftly saves his and takes mine,
I look at his face scrunched up with concentration,
Fighting the urge to stroke perfection,
He hands back my phone with a brush of his fingers,
I thought electric jolts were fictional but the crackling static at my fingertips said its real,
As he stood to leave I finally looked down to my phone,
This can't be, this wasn't supposed to be,
I looked up at him and a shade of darkness falls over,
A darkness I know will bring me no good,
The phone kept flashing, Your Biggest Mistake.

Music, Medicine and Musings.

Do you ever judge a person by their taste in music?

Death Metal - disturbed people

Country – peaceful people

Jazz – classy people

Blues – sad people

Bollywood – dreamy people

Honey Singh – Punjabi people

Yeah, the list pretty much goes on. I never thought about it, but now that I pen this down, it’s true; lots of people do judge others according to their music taste. To some extent I will admit I still do. Like, dating a death metal guy is a roller coaster ride. What people think about them is pretty much true. Seriously. Just leave them with their own kind. No offense death metal lovers.

But now, I have realized it’s unfair. Because I like so many genres it made me wonder how people would judge me. I have come to the conclusion that it all depends upon the mood. I have my quiet moody moments with Coldplay and Norah Jones, my country moments with Keith Urban and Blake Shelton, my club and house music moments with Flo Rida and Swedish House Mafia, my classics moments with Beatles and Lata Mangeshkar, my fun with friends moments with Honey Singh, my exam moments with Dream Theater and Porcupine Tree, my girly feels moments with Taylor Swift and Christina Perri and Avil Lavigne, my soothing moments with Ed Sheeran, my Assam love moments with Zubeen Garg and Papon and Whoa that’s a huge list of moments.

I guess I am not classy for the lack of Jazz in this list of mine. I cannot describe myself as a hardcore fan or something like that for all these artists and bands as I haven’t followed them from the beginning or have posters of them or worship them or know their life histories. But I can honestly say I love their music immensely.

Okay steering back to course, how on earth will someone judge a person like me?(I assume there are lots of people who like a variety of genres like this). Good music, bad music, trashy music, crap music, why bother labeling the music or the person. If that particular kind of music lifts your mood, makes you happy, makes you sing along, then no one has any right to call it trash. Classic example would be Justin Beiber. That poor guy has been really harshly targeted. I am not a huge fan of his work but I won’t say its crap either. (yes I am a closet Baby listener).

Music has the ability to make the burdens of the world feel lighter. It takes you to an alternate world where everything is okay.  It’s true when they say the lyrics make sense when in love. The lyrics also make sense when heartbroken. They make sense when depressed, they make sense when exhilarated. Music is directly connected to our souls and when the emotions are heightened it works its magic.

When things go really bad and you need an out, listen to Fix you by Coldplay. That song has magic healing properties I swear.

When matters of the heart trouble you, Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey. Such powerful lyrics.

When optimistic and full of hope Imagine by John Lennon and Paradise by Coldplay. These songs never disappoint.

And in my opinion the ultimate song a guy can dedicate to his girl is Cinema by Benny Benassi. It shows how versatile a girl can be and how versatile and interesting love can be, almost brings out the latent romantic in me.

Hey there Delilah will always be a favorite, for so many reasons. At some point or another in life someone special has mentioned this song and will always have such fond memories.

And then there are those songs which you can’t bear to listen to anymore because you to associate someone then special with that song. That is a list I would rather not tell. Such power lies in music, that one tiny note of those songs can rip open a healed wound or a scar or a bruise.

Being a medical student I would also mention that Music and Medicine is an integrative forum for clinical practice and research related to music interventions and applications of clinical music strategies in medicine.

This month’s issue has two fascinating case studies.

1.        Effects of Music Intervention on Patients Undergoing Hemodialysis in the Bangkok Metropolitan Administration Hospitals

The purpose of this study was to compare the effects of live music or music listening interventions on pre- and post-measures of patients' blood pressure, pulse rate, pain, and anxiety. The results showed significant improvements in blood pressure and pulse rate and statistically significant reductions in pain and anxiety for patients in both music interventions

2.        A Pilot Study on the Effects of Orff-Based Therapeutic Music in Children With Autism Spectrum Disorder

This study was conducted to determine the effectiveness of Orff music therapy on social interaction, verbal communication, and repetitive behavior of children with autism. Five children with autism who had no previous experience in music or play therapy were recruited. Social interaction, verbal communication, and repetitive behavior of the participants were scored pre- and post-intervention (Orff music therapy) using Autism Diagnostic Interview–Revised. The mean scores of social interaction were 26.60 and 14 before and after therapy, respectively (P < .001). The mean scores of verbal communication and repetitive behavior was reduced significantly (P < .05). The reduction in the scores indicated a good outcome. All participants improved significantly in their social interaction and verbal communication. The Orff music therapy also helped to decrease their repetitive behavior.

On that slightly deeper knowledy note, I sign off.

PS- Needless to say exams are 28 days away and I am stressed. Hence the ramble.

Nerd? I prefer the term 'Intellectual Badass'

Nerds.

Admit it, first thought through your brain- thick glasses, pasty skin, greasy hair.

This is the sad but honest opinion of most people on nerds. So then you may ask who are the nerds?

The Wikipedia definition of a nerd:

“A Nerd is a person, typically described as being overly intellectual, obsessive or socially impaired. They may spend inordinate amounts of time on unpopular, obscure or non-mainstream activities, which are generally highly technical or relating to topics of fiction or fantasy, to the exclusion of more mainstream activities. Additionally many nerds are described as being shy, quirky and unattractive and may have difficulty in participating or even following sports. “

I was appalled to see that academics is no longer considered as a mainstream activity!

Growing up mostly in India, I have never had to undergo the high school stereotyping which seems to be rampant in the western world. But, I have read and heard enough stories to figure out the hierarchy system that seems to be prevalent.

My question is why? Why would you insult an individual who has a much higher IQ than yours? Why would you make fun of their dressing style and hair? Why would you point out their minute disparities and make them uncomfortable? Why would you want to look down upon them? Why do you have the need to prove you are better than them?

It all comes down to this: Jealousy and Insecurity. The others are so threatened by the intellectual prowess of the nerds that they have a continuous need to boost their own shallow ego. Bullying and making fun of them in public makes them feel strong and in control.

It’s different in my part of the world though, here you are encouraged to be a nerd, in fact, people are in awe of nerds. I most certainly am. The fact that the person has so much knowledge crammed in their brain is fascinates me. The fact that they have so much passion for a subject is amazes me. The fact that they don’t care how anyone else judges them inspires me. Nerds are a class apart; I wish I was smart enough to be one. In fact the whole nerd culture has fascinated people so much; they are even making television series on it. Anyone who watches “The Big Bang Theory” here will get my point. A show with so much science, so much intellectualism  so deep, so sharp would have never grabbed the attention of millions if not for the popular beliefs of the nerd culture. Yes, they do exaggerate many a times, but it’s all in the good interest of the viewer. Even in non-science, sitcoms, the nerd culture is catching on. One particularly interesting sentence that caught my mind was, ‘One day your fans will work for my fans’,  said the smart girl Alex to her pretty yet clueless sister Hayley, on the popular sitcom “Modern Family”.

Also, the nerd glasses are quite the fashion statement these days; you can see me in my picture flaunting them!

It’s good to be a nerd, for those who go through high school drama and social alienation, don’t stop being who you really are just because of a few insecure people. Be passionate, be different, be a nerd.

Ps – If are reading this and you are a nerd, most probably you will be rich pretty soon, I shotgun you to hire me as your concierge doctor.

Beat those Blues

Who doesn't get screwed up by life from time to time?

Everyone does. Difference being some may show it some do not.

So , my point being, do you feel blue more often than necessary?

Because I certainly do.  There are stretches of days on which I simply do not get out of my bed or my ‘bat cave’ as my best friend likes to call it. And to tell you the truth it’s the unhealthiest way to combat the blues. (No, I will not call it depression, that sounds scary. )

In medical school, feeling blue and underachieving may be a common phenomenon. Now that undergrad is coming to an end, post grad seems to be like this huge hole I am about to plunge myself into and never find the ropes of getting out. It’s does look like a very dampening future ahead.

But that is just my point of view. In general I am not so much of a happy person. Its just too much of energy being all smiley and cheerful. I like my brooding self and there are only a handful of people whose presence can make me less brooding. So being the dark angsty person I have had a fair share of being blue and bed ridden and can honestly give a worthwhile suggestion.

First of all face your damn fears. Make a list of things that bother you. It may be about yourself or someone else. If the someone else is bothering you so much, cut them off. There is no point in keeping a friendship or a relationship which takes up too much of your time and energy. These relationships are supposed to make you feel the world is not so bad after all, that you can get through bad times, that you can share your problems and not have to face them alone. Hell we have parents, let us leave the judgment and complicated stuff up to them! (I adore my parents, just saying) Seems harsh right? Well then You Only Live Once, don’t let any scumbag spoil it for you.

Now comes the more important part. Are you bothering yourself? Is the thing that annoys you to hell inside you? Then my dear reader I have the most apt and excellent quote for you :

“If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living.

- Vargus, Archie’s Final Projectk

Trust me, this quote has helped me live through each day one at a time at one point of the darkest times of my life. Which, obviously I am not at all proud of.

Secondly, stop comparing your life with others. I know, that is so much easier said than done. Its human nature to compare and compete. Give it a try though.

I know, I am really not the ideal person to be dishing out the manual for combating blues. But I would like to leave with on the note, let me be in my darkness, my black world, for it takes a black velvety dark sky to show the brightest shiny stars. 

The Crush Dissector

So what would you give?

To have that one guy who takes your breath away, who invades your dreams, whose face serves as a calorie counter, who turns you into a secret stalker, who makes your normally working brain into mushy gooey nonsense, who takes over all 5 senses at once, whose one sighting the whole day makes the damn day perfect.

What would you give?

Anything , right? Absolutely anything. Such feelings seldom come in life and when they do, they do take up a lot of brain space. I, in general had to clear out mine so here you go a ramble on the strongest crush in my entire life.

Now you needn't know who he is, where he is, how he is. That Is my business strictly!! This is a ramble just to showcase the similar feelings of thousands of girls at various points of time. :D

I will not go as far as to say he is the love of my life, hell I didn't believe in the love nonsense till  yesterday! But yes, this particular specimen of the male species has taken a lot from me. He is not perfect. But he is perfection for me. It is said once you have a crush on someone, you notice the minute details, my guy has the most sparkly eyes on the planet! When he smiles his eyes crinkle up at the corners and that is so damn cute. He is so jolly, so cheerful brightens my darkest mood. He is a class apart with the cutest not-so-perfect teeth ever.

God I sound like a hormonal teenager!

I used to pride myself as the girl who is not effected by the romantic aspects of life. I liked being the sensible not-crazy, not-fangirl to anyone. (Jenson Ackles and Ian Somerhalder do NOT count, they were born to be worshiped  :P) And I loved the control I had over my brain. Don’t get too attached has always worked well from me. I have moved around a lot in life, I have always had to let people go. I had to let go of the best boyfriend a girl could get because I had to move across continents. And I handled all that pretty well. I was a strong, independent, determined girl.

I can't say the same now. Its worse when people you know, people you hang out with have a huge thing for your guy(fine, crush) too!! Never have I ever had so many murderous thoughts for friends! :D But that is secondary, in the end I am a girl, I do think things, over think things. The ‘what if’ scenarios can be so brutal.

What if he falls for my friend instead, What if he comes to me and asks for my friends number, what if I add him on Facebook and he declines the request, what if I wave and he ignores, the list is endless and yes I do torture myself and keep making up these images in my head. You are probably thinking now what an insecure and sad little girl I am. But its not that. Hell, if he can't like me for what I am and I have to change myself then he is NOT worth a single brain cell of thought. Its just something many people go through. Now if he wasn't a crush and a regular guy, I could have marched up to him and talked without a damn care in the world. The stupid stupid emotional limbic system of mine has ruined my life.

Maybe I should get a limbectomy or something.

Moving on, all I can say is that I try to make up the best of the sad situation I am in. which is getting rid of the things I don’t like in me. I have this theory that if I don’t like something in me then I have to assume that the other person might not/will not either. It gives me a sense of confidence.

On that note, I shall go Facebook stalk him a teeny tiny bit more. I am back and alive again, will provide more snippets and insides of  my med school life on a more regular basis.

One fine day!!! \m/

Ps- I CANNOT believe it took a damn crush on a damn amazing guy to make me blog post again. After almost a year. 

So you want to study medicine?Really?Please don't.

Author's note:
This is straight out of my journal pages, it is unpolished and very raw. My direct emotions laid out in words that was creating a turmoil in my head. You may agree or disagree. It is your choice as you have chosen to read this. My facts though quite authentic and true are lacking the evidence and proof as I have not researched on this topic. I am writing merely on experience and knowledge and on behalf of many students in the same position as I am .

When a student of class 12 tells me that their aim in life is to be a doctor, I shudder. Literally, I do. Once that is done I proceed to brainwash them to not make the biggest mistake of their life.

You must be thinking what a crazy thing to do, the world is never out of doctors, doctors are vital for our sustenance and doctors are the people who ensure our longevity yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.

First and foremost I would like to tell you, I am a medical student. Surprised? Well don’t be. I am going to now share some facts and by the end of this article you shall have the same mindset as mine. Well, if not the same you will think twice before encouraging a poor soul to go the medical profession.

Don’t get me wrong here. I truly believe that being a doctor is one of the noblest professions ever. You get to save lives, bring about new lives, give life a greater meaning by fixing the damaged goods. Its truly Gods gift to mankind. Now the harsh reality is that I am an Indian. No, no I am a proud Indian, I do value my roots but I am not so sure about my government.

India has a Medical Council like any other country, with all the same basic functions as any other council in any other country. There are however some interesting additions. The council doesn’t really care about malpractices like feticide, unregistered surgical practitioners, unlicensed doctors etc as long as you pay them off. Bribery is so thriving here that if you have adequate money then opening up a MCI recognized college in India is no biggie at all. Yes, its pretty lenient and convenient don’t you think? This is done by politicians, most of the private medical colleges are owned by the politicians, who after looting people’s money for the betterment of the nation which after 60 years we are yet to see, think it’s funny and amusing to rob the common man more. After all this the people who pay for a seat after no other option are not even treated as the victims. Oh no, they are the wrong doers of the society. They are the ‘kalank’ for just trying to be a doctor for the society. They are treated with disrespect, with an evil eye. Is it their fault that the donation system is allowed? Is it their fault that there are too few medical colleges? Is it their fault that in a country of a population more than a billion and with approximately 7 lakh aspirants per year there are only 151 government medical colleges (I am seriously doubtful about this number however) with at the most 200 seats each? Not even half of them get the seats. And it is not due to lack of brains. A very large number miss out because of maybe a mark or so. And of course I don’t even want to get started on the reservation issue.

My point here is that private medical education is not half as bad as people think it to be. The colleges however, should not be allowed to be bought and give seats through donation. Since, this is India we are talking about, corruption being an integral part, I know the donation issue cannot be eradicated. But, just to be fair, the fees can be reduced significantly.

It is due to these high prices, a medical student after finishing the never ending degrees wishes to earn a lot. The priority shifts. After 7 to 8 years of draining their parents, it is finally their time to pay back. Now is this thought that wrong? I think it is a very considerate and legitimate thought. So if this country wants doctors with their priorities straight the government better start tackling the problem from the roots. Otherwise, I am sorry to say, money is everything and it can certainly buy anything in this country.

Another issue which I think is high time to be brought up is the brain drain. Now, if a doctor wants to leave this country and practice elsewhere a government approval is required. I have not done much research into this but if this is the case, then I would suggest all the doctors of this country to denounce themselves as Indians and search for citizenship elsewhere. What right does the Government have to butt their big heads in a personal matter? Does the Government do anything about the thousands of IITians that leave this country every year never to return after getting the ‘prestigious’ IIT degree? Arent they supposed to be India’s best? In fact the motto of the IIT’s is ‘Dedicated to the service of the nation’. How ironic.

So if they can go earn fat salaries, we deserve much more. After 5 and half years of hellish studies, the Government decides to send the doctors for rural services. I do not mind this step, after all I have to work for the people. I however absolutely refuse to work in dilapidated, unhygienic, primitive situations for 20000 a month. And if I have to then so do other professionals. Do rural areas not need roads? Do rural areas not need management? Do rural areas not need planning? Do rural areas not need houses? Are rural areas crime free that they don’t need any lawyers? Do rural areas not need teachers?

Why do only doctors have to do so? And assuming that we are the most important of all hence this great honor has been bestowed upon us, a proper salary should be given. 20000 is just ridiculous, a security guard at any gated community gets almost that much.

Now back to the original issue I was referring to, once a class 12 student decides to study medicine, he studies. A lot. Then he appears for the entrance exams. Assuming he is not that brilliant but not dumb either (which most of the population are) he doesn’t get through in the first chance. Then he goes for coaching to Kota. This costs the parents a fair amount of money for a year. He sits for the exam the next year. He is all prepared and confident. Results come out, he has missed by a mark. Due to reservation most probably. Now think for a minute, was this student undeserving? Was he under qualified? Just because of his being born into a ‘privileged’ family he does not get the privilege to get into a college. Harsh much? Anyway, moving on. The family is devastated, the student is depressed, he comes to think he is good for nothing. Seeing this, the father decides to leave no stone unturned. He makes queries to various private colleges who list their price. Apparently giving the exams for the private colleges were just a formality, didn’t guarantee seats. So after a lot of family drama and tension the poor father coughs up the amount to ensure his child gets what he wants. The child goes to medical school happily. The father though in most cases well to do still feels a financial strain with the obscenely high tuition fees. Now the student is done with MBBS and has performed well. Its time to do an MD now. The whole procedure repeats itself however this time if the student does not get a seat then the father can pay no more as the donation for pg seats is unimaginably high. However, assuming the father still pays up thinking it’s his child after all and the student finishes an MD degree as well. Now after all this which idiot will want to work in a rural area with a 20000 salary a month? WHY wouldn’t he be frustrated? Why wouldn’t he want to make money? Why would he do social service? Why? Why? Why?

So before slamming doctors for being money minded, not with the right priorities, think twice. You have no idea what their life is all about. Its easy to point out the fault of other professions. You would not want to get me started on the media people, the entertainers, the politicians, the engineers, the architects. There is not a single skilled profession in India that can be claimed free of corruption and clean. Doctors are least contributing to the society, they are at least healing people. For every bad doctor there are 100 god doctors. Do not generalize and target us. Your future lies in our hands. And if you are a politician I will sincerely ask you stay far away from me and my practice because I am held by my Hippocrates oath to help every man irrespective of their character, job, caste, creed, however my conscience will not allow me to treat evil.

Probably cause he has no balance..

Sketch!Paint!and Sketch again!

I had made these sketches some time ago, years I think.These are my favourite pieces so properly preserved, thanks to mum!The Ganesh Ji is made on white paper with black water color..There used to be a time when I was fascinated with water color..the rich color of acrylic amazes me everytime..the blending of hues with water color is a joy and creates the perfect shade..I do not have any of my water color works right now..most are lost and forgotten, but I plan to make new ones..The source of this inspiration being Thaneeya...Interested readers are requested to check out her blog..it is truly magnificent..:)